I talk a lot. Just ask my children, my students, anyone really. I have opinions and information to share and can barely keep myself from chiming in at every opportunity.
I suspect that many other educators talk a lot too. It is a profession that is attractive to the loquacious, as I imagine that the study of law is attractive to the argumentative. Educators know that their jobs will put them in front of an audience of sorts, most days of their careers, and they like the idea.
There is nothing wrong with the talking itself. We often convey useful information as we talk. We beam out information, directions, suggestions, advice and procedures that we know will work. And yet, there is evidence that the people we are talking to are not always listening. If they aren’t listening, our talking is wasted.
It is tempting to blame listeners for inattention, disrespect, even willful disregard, but what does that benefit? Blame makes relationships worse, not better. Instead, think back to times when you didn’t listen.
I can recall listening to my parents’ advice believing that they did not “get it.” I shook off the advice of friends too. I even recall well-meaning, uninvited and utterly infuriating advice from my department chair which made me so angry I did not trust myself to speak. I felt she had neither understanding nor respect for what my objectives were as she told me to do the polar opposite of what I was attempting. I rejected every word that came out of her mouth that day. I managed to remain civil, so she probably did not sense my scorn. She may not have deserved my scorn, but that was the reaction I felt, mostly because I felt completely misunderstood and dismissed.
I believe there is a lesson here: Unless a person feels heard, understood and respected by me, he is unlikely to hear, understand or respect me.
I can almost hear readers arguing with the page. I know what I am talking about, or I told her the truth, or He should do what I told him. While those statements may be true, the real issue is how do we actually reach someone? There are two indispensable steps:
First, listen deeply and restate his or her points clearly in your own words, several times if necessary, until that person relaxes slightly, looks at you and says, “Yes,” giving you an indication that he knows that you can understand the issue, concern, frustration or circumstance from his viewpoint.
Second, ask open–ended questions that allow the person to begin to discover their own solutions.
Pay close attention the second point because it may cause AGONY as you refrain from giving the terrific advice you have right at the tip of your tongue. We talkers love to talk and we HATE to keep quiet when we think we know the answer. But we must do it anyway.
The reason we have to help the other person discover his or her own answer, not ours, is as follows: A solution discovered is superior to a solution delivered. Yes, superior! No matter how great our solutions are, they are suited to our personalities, our experiences and our knowledge. Our ideas are perfectly suited to us, but they are imperfectly matched to the personalities, experiences and knowledge of every other person that we meet in life. So, no matter how difficult it is, learn to really listen and assist people to find their own solutions.
